VERNON'S BEST (AND WORST) FILMS OF THE YEAR

Two films stand out head and shoulders from all others as the worst films of the year, both of which gained from me 0/10 and they are the utterly egregious Observe And Report and the equally woeful The Men Who Stare At Goats both of which plumb new depths of rubbish cinema.

One might say that the latter is even more lamentable considering the thespian skills involved but there are few people who can surpass the ability of Seth Rogen to produce films which are about as entertaining as having your appendix removed by an inebriated surgeon using a blunt knife and no anaesthetic.His list of failures now include not only the bilge of the recent Funny People as well as Zack And Miri Make A Porno and the above named film.He is starring in the new adaption of The Green Hornet which ordinarily I would be looking forward to but now I await with dread.

On the plus side I would say that the films I enjoyed this year the most,in no particular order are:
District 9
Gran Torino
The Invention Of Lying
Orphan

All of which in their own different way I thought were wonderful,and all being of different genres - science-fiction,thriller,comedy,horror.

However,in my opinion the best film of the year is the previously reviewed Harry Brown being as it is such a wonderful example of acting by Sir Michael Caine,harrowing as most of the film is.

VERNON'S FILM OF THE DECADE

I was asked recently by a colleague what would be my favourite film of the decade following the nomination of There Will Be Blood as the best film of the last ten years by "Empire" magazine in one of their polls.I had to think about this one so I did ponder the question for a while before checking my list of my all-time Top Twenty films.

After I did only one of them was made in the last decade - I did think on this point for a while and had to agree with my list.Accordingly then,ladies and gentlemen,my Film Of The Decade is Saw which is my second favourite horror film ever behind the awesome Halloween (if you count The Thing as science-fiction rather than horror).

The franchise,as I mentioned above,is now up to its eighth instalment and shows no sign of flagging.I consider the first film to be,as is common in most franchises,to be the best with its myriad twists and turns and astonishing ending.

Ice Age 3

The third in the franchise sees the return of Manny,Diego,Sid and all their friends in another enjoyable if scientifically suspect adventure - but who cares about realism under these circumstances? in this film our heroes discover a lost world of dinosaurs hidden under the ice and they venture within on a "mission" which involves the return of some baby tyrannosaurs which Sid in his wisdom had "rescued".

Simon Pegg appears as new character Buck and the script is as sharp as ever with all the usual thrills and spills.The continuing sub-plot of Scrat the squirrel and his search for his elusive acorn is complicated by the appearance of a lady squirrel who outsmarts him at every turn.Three films in to the franchise it shows no sign of flagging - can be thoroughly enjoyed by adults and children alike.7/10

Blood

What a mess.Set in Japan with a juvenile American heroine taking the fight against evil to an assortment of villains armed with a big sword.

Yawn.Unconvincing plot,acting,CGI effects and a pointless and unconvincing ending.Tripe.0/10

Public Enemies

Based on the brilliant book of the same name by Brian Burroughs in which he describes the crime spree in America in the early 1930s,this film concentrates on the last two years of "gentleman bank robber" John Dillinger (who was named "Public Enemy Number One" by the nascent FBI).

The title role is wonderfully played by Johnny Depp in yet another of his chameleon roles,looking totally at home in the sharp suits and fedora hats so popular at the time.In real life Dillinger was an avid cinema fan and was compared by some to Clark Gable,and Johnny does impeccably play him as a suave,handsome,debonair,witty,bon viveur. Rather like me actually.Only without the suaveness,good looks,wit or style.

Most impressively the film uses some of the genuine historical locations - a bank robbery is recreated at the actual bank,still in use all these decades later,as is the prison from which Dillinger staged a breakout.The famous forest shootout at the Little Bohemia Hunting Lodge again uses the actual building.The acting is first-rate all around with British actors Christian Bale and Stephen Graham excelling as FBI agent Melvin Purvis and sociopathic killer "Baby-Face" Nelson respectively.The era is beautifully recreated,depicting the cars,nightclubs,clothing,as well as the poverty of the underclasses.

This is a superb addition to the pantheon of brilliant gangster films of the past such as White Heat, The St Valentine's Day Massacre,Dillinger,and of course the greatest gangster film of them all The Godfather.No crime film set in this era would be complete without that famous,or should it be infamous,staple,the Thompson submachine gun,in my humble opinion right up there with the lightsabre from Star Wars as the most iconic movie weapon.And director Michael Mann uses it superbly,as characters on both sides of the law utilise it freely.

The action scene shot in the dark with Thompsons blazing flame and hails of bullets are beautifully shot.Obviously not so beautiful if one was being pointed at you! Great acting by all and a brilliant and almost flawless interpretation of real historical events - I only spotted one minor alteration of history.Excellent.8/10

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

The latest chapter in the saga is to a certain extent beyond criticism as by now people are in one of two camps - either you are or you are not a fan of the books or the films.

Being most definitely in the former group I always eagerly look forward to a new instalment in the series.Whereas the first three films were fairly faithful to their respective books the last three have omitted huge chunks of the narrative owing to the sheer volume of the texts.Notwithstanding this in this film there are two fairly substantial sequences which were not in the book,which is something of a departure.Acting honours as usual go to Alan Rickman for his note-perfect interpretation of Professor Snape and the wonderful Emma Watson who simply is Hermione - the performances are very good all round.

I also think there should be a special mention to Evanna Lynch who plays Luna Lovegood - a genuinely charming portrayal.More adult themes this time as our heroes and heroines discover love and all its ups and downs.

I went to see it twice and enjoyed it even more the second time.I did think however that the major event depicted here was something of an anti-climax,but maybe that was just me.Attention now shifts to the last book which has been shot in two films so nothing will be left out.Visiting and immersing oneself in JK Rowling's world is always a sheer delight.8/10

The Proposal

Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds play respectively a high-powered literary executive and one of her staff at a prestigious company - she is overbearing and nobody likes her.

Her cosy existence is shattered when it is discovered that as a Canadian she is no longer permitted to work in the United States and so her masterplan is to pretend that she is going to marry her assistant in order for her to get her Green Card.A suspicious immigration official questions them both and she is forced to go to Alaska with her "beau" for his grandmother's birthday party.

Let us be quite clear on this - Sandra Bullock in a romantic comedy is a recipe for sheer delight although some critics do tend to dismiss some of her recent efforts.Fuddy-duddies.

The much publicised dual nude scene is very funny and Miss Bullock certainly looks stunning for her age (a most young-looking 44).All sorts of the usual mix-ups etc ensue before true love arrives at the end.Sweet and well-acted.Very enjoyable indeed.7/10

The Ugly Truth

Gerard Butler and the ever-lovely Katherine Heigl are the protagonists in a romantic comedy which is more of a battle of the sexes before the inevitable happy ending - she is a television producer and he is the "cutting edge" advice guru foisted on her by the company hierarchy.

This is a live-action version of Paula Abdul's hit single "Opposites Attract" as they bicker back and forth through the film.Gerard gives her advice on snaring her hunky Doctor neighbour with a series of secrets in how to entice her target.

The least said about her vibrating underwear at the dinner party the better.... I cannot tell a lie and would happily watch Miss Heigl reading the telephone directory but this film did not quite reach out and grab me - not bad by any means but not great either.4/10

G.I. Joe - The Rise Of Cobra

Based on the children's toy (an American version of Action Man) a fairly good cast career through a feast of CGI with both the goodies and the baddies clearly defined - Dennis Quaid is the colonel in charge of the "Joes" (yes there are lots of them) and Christopher Eccleston and Sienna Miller lead the villains.

Not quite as rubbish as I feared and the Eiffel Tower setpiece is stunning as once again it is destroyed on film.The final icecap showdown is a special effects extravaganza although it must be pointed out that when the ice is blown up at the end it would not sink and would in fact continue to float! Disposable and undemanding.3/10

Land of the Lost

The latest Will Farrell comedy is a modern remake of a little-known (to British audiences) American television show and in this incarnation he plays a college professor who invents a gizmo that.......oh never mind.He and "love interest" Anna Friel end up in the eponymous mysterious land inhabited by T-Rexes which understand English,a race of monkey men,various lost artefacts which have fallen through "holes in time" and oh yes it is as daft as it sounds.

Miss Friel patiently endures her breasts repeatedly fondled by a monkey man for apparent mirthful reasons which seemed to have eluded me.One of my friends refers to Mr Farrell as a "comedy god" but I suggest dear reader he is about as funny as typhoid.I didn't laugh once.Some reasonable special effects drag its rating kicking and screaming to 2/10

Imagine That

Eddie Murphy plays a divorced financial wizard juggling his job and his little daughter following the dissolution of his marriage,even though he remains on friendly enough terms with his ex-wife.His life changes when his daughter visits him in his office and to his horror she doodles and draws all over his carefully-prepared presentation for a very important meeting.

He has no choice but to take the remnants of his work into the meeting where it is seen by his superior who is astonished at the brilliance of the doodlings which he puts down to Eddie.It seems that his daughter, when questioned later at home,says she talks to three imaginary princesses who tell her things which she then passes on to her father.

There are some lovely sequences as Eddie tries to get more information from his little girl and her invisible friends.

There is a brilliant and poignant last line which appears to have wandered in from another film.Heartwarmingly excellent and a real return to form for Eddie.I cannot understand some of the negative critiques which the film has attracted - this is a sweet and very enjoyable film.7/10

Orphan

A couple who have recently lost their third child in childbirth decide to compensate for their loss by adopting a child from a nearby orphanage - whilst wandering around the home the father comes across a quiet little girl of apparent Russian heritage painting by herself.

Her politeness,intelligence,and poise wins the heart of the parents and they take her home after signing the official papers.Bless.But soon after that the strange events commence both at home and at school with various misfortunes befalling schoolfriends,members of the family,and teachers.As the parents realise something is not quite right there is a blistering revelation which is completely unexpected and is quite sensational.

The actress playing the eponymous role is wonderful and she excels in the final few scenes.Once again the reviews have been mixed but this is definitely one of my film highlights of the year.Thoroughly recommended.9/10

The Time Traveler's Wife

Based on a worldwide best-selling novel (which I have not read) and which is considered "unfilmable" Eric Bana stars as the man who can involuntarily travel in time and also stars Rachel McAdams in the title role.

Make no mistake this is a complicated narrative and with all the drawbacks attached to their romance one wonders why she remains so upbeat throughout their relationship - this is a well-acted film but I have to say some of the plot points are less than satisfactory.

However an interesting film in its own way but not one I would wish to see again.5/10

Aliens in the Attic

A poor remake of the far superior 1990 film Spaced Invaders with yet more incompetent aliens hiding in a large rambling family house whilst the children who live there take them on and do their best to thwart their plans.

Cue daft scenes of remote body control and grannies turned into martial arts experts.All adequately done with Ashley Tisdale(from the High School Musical films) in a bikini for most of the film to placate the dads dragged along by their offspring.

Adequate special effects,adequate story,adequate film.4/10

A Perfect Getaway

Two honeymooning backpackers in Hawaii read about a couple of other tourists who have been brutally murdered in their vicinity a couple of days earlier and whilst on their journey they encounter a very suspicious couple who appear to be shadowing them and they find it very difficult to shake them off.

Other people are encountered but is everyone who they say they are? Unsurprisingly there is a big twist before the end which I did not see coming and there was a moderately gory finale.Interesting enough without being a classic.5/10

Inglorious Basterds

Every time a new film by Quentin Tarantino is announced it is as if it is the heralding of the Second Coming such is the alleged importance of this cinematic feast - which of course leads to the all-important question "Is it any good?", and the answer is unsurprisingly a resounding "No".So what are the problems?

Well for a start we have Brad Pitt's one-note performance based on far too many viewings of The Godfather such is his visual impersonation of Marlon Brando - secondly it is far too long,thirdly it is too pretentious and lastly and most egregiously it rewrites history.

Appalling.Hitler was not assassinated in a cinema in Paris despite what Mr Tarantino thinks.The basic premises is that US officer Brad puts together a "special team" of American soldiers to "take the fight to the Nazi" and each of his men has two things in common - they are each a Jew and a psychotic killer.One of the scenes shows the aftermath of a forest massacre with three German survivors - all of whom are gruesomely tortured.

The ethics of this would be rather suspect if the soldiers concerned were SS or some similar unit but they were not - simply ordinary German infantrymen doing their duty.Which makes the Americans no better than the Nazis.Mike Myers appears in a cameo as a British General with a cut-glass accent assigning a British officer to the "Barstards" (as he pronounces it) and the great Rod Taylor appears as an unrecognisable Winston Churchill.

The bloodbath finale is neither exciting nor feasible as the entire German High Command is butchered without the benefit of any security whatsoever.Not a single guard.Ridiculous beyond belief.

Are there any plus points? Two scenes of trademark Tarantino dialogue each topped off with a burst of violence are the only saving graces.The arrogance of the man in rewriting history for tawdry entertainment purposes is simply pathetic.Rubbish.1/10

Funny People

Adam Sandler plays a very successful comedian who learns he has a terminal illness and is forced to re-evaluate his life,especially with the former love of his life who has moved on leaving him behind,married and had two children.He also encourages an up and coming comic played by the perpetually unfunny Seth Rogen and becomes something of a mentor to him.

These are the two principal plot strands which plod along for what seems like an eternity.There are "excerpts" from Sandler's film career in which his most famous character is him playing a baby on which his head has been grafted,as well as some scenes in which we see him doing his stand-up routine in clubs.

The audience,for some reason, found his patter hilarious whilst I sat in the cinema stony-faced and waiting patiently for the jokes to start.The routine about David Beckham's penis has to be heard to be believed.There are only two funny moments - Eric Bana (playing the husband) explaining the rules of Australian football and his wife impersonating his Australian accent.

A film which should be vigorously prosecuted under the Trade Descriptions Act.Puerile,badly written,tedious,overlong and quite simply boring. Rubbish.0/10

(500) Days of Summer

Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars in a non-linear romantic comedy with Zooey Deschanel as the object of his affections.

Two problems.It is romantic to a certain degree but there is no happy ending and try as hard as I could there were no laughs in it whatsoever.I have said many times before that the most important factor in a romantic film is a happy ending unless there are certain other special extraneous factors such as in Love Story but this is not the case here.

I understand people saying that broken hearts are part of life but I suggest that is not what one goes to the cinema for.Zooey Deschanel once again trots out her tried and tested "kooky" persona which has been seen on so many previous occasions and very well she does it too but I am sorry Zooey this is only a 3/10

The Final Destination

The fourth part of the long running franchise follows the tried and trusted formula of the three previous instalments - the film always opens with someone having a vision of an impending disaster and then they force their friends to safety minutes before disaster strikes - we have had a plane crash,a freeway pile-up,and a rollercoaster crash.

Number four brings us a spectacular accident at a racetrack.And spectacular it most certainly us as various persons are crushed by engine blocks,hit by huge flying tyres,burnt to death - well,you get the idea.The remainder of the film shows the survivors being picked off one by one as Death claims those who escaped him.The imagination and creativity put into each subsequent death scene is very inventive and elaborate - the death by lawn mower scene being just one example.Everyone dies.

The films show no sign of running out of ideas and the basic premise is a successful one.7/10

Moon

Critically lauded as a cerebral science-fiction film the story depicts a huge base on the Moon which is manned by one astronaut and his sentient computer - so straight away there are echoes of Silent Running and 2001 - A Space Odyssey with our lonely protagonist spending three years all on his own.

The frankly ludicrous premise is resolved towards the end of the film in a moderately satisfactory way but the film is very slow-paced and frankly boring.Something of an ordeal to make it to the end of the film - much has been made of the fact that director Duncan Jones is the son of David Bowie,still does not disguise the fact that his film is tedious and uninvolving.Critics have been falling over themselves to praise its vision and boldness - hmmm.Granted there is the odd interesting idea but that is all.

Kevin Spacey is helpful/mysterious as the voice of the computer.The stupid ending does not help - a clear case of The Emperor's New Clothes methinks.And it is not remotely as good as 2001 was. Poor.2/10

Gamer

Gerard Butler stars as a criminal who is forced to play for his life in a real-life video game being controlled by a "player" on the outside.An interesting idea which is not executed well at all - the combat sequences are nothing new,hulking brutes with huge weapons blazing away at each other indiscriminately so one cannot see who is shooting at whom.

Frankly,it is a complete mess.All that needs to be known is Gerard is the "hero" and he is the person to "root for".This sort of thing was done infinitely better in Schwarzenegger's The Running Man and this is a very poor imitation indeed.Dexter's Michael C. Hall is passably entertaining as the multi-billionaire behind the whole game and yes you've guessed it there is a showdown between him and our "hero" who manfully fights his way through all the carnage to confront the villain.

Yawn.What a waste of celluloid.1/10

Julie and Julia

Based on two true stories being played out simultaneously half a century apart this is a delightful romp through the world of French cooking with the two stories being played out alternately.

Meryl Streep plays iconic American chef Julia Child who started her love affair with French cooking in the late 1940s when her husband was stationed at the US Embassy in Paris - fifty years later in 2002 the ever-delightful Amy Adams portrays the "Julie" who set herself the task of cooking all 524 recipes in 365 days and she commences a blog in which she maps her progress.

Yet another tour-de-force from Meryl who obviously had the time of her life playing this character.I must confess that I had not heard of Julia Child before this film was released but apparently she is (or was as she passed away a few years ago at the venerable age of 92) an American culinary icon.

Both actresses give excellent performances but Miss Streep unsurprisingly takes the thespian honours - doubtless another Oscar nomination will be heading her way.In reality the two ladies never met and there is a poignant little scene at the end reflecting this.Most enjoyable and heartwarming.7/10

Dorian Gray

A new version of the Oscar Wilde classic which was so memorably filmed in 1945 and starred George Sanders.Ben Barnes takes the eponymous sybaritic role who stays young and handsome whilst the picture which he keeps locked away in his attic shows his true self,corrupt and decaying.

I have always thought that this (albeit intriguing) idea is too slight to stretch over a film and would be perhaps better suited to an hour-long TV drama and so it is here - Colin Firth is the best thing about it as the decadent aristocrat who launches the central character on his hedonistic path to a well-deserved comeuppance,reprising the George Sanders role of six decades earlier.

Victorian London is well depicted on film and the producers have taken one or two liberties with the original storyline.4/10

Whiteout

US Marshal Kate Beckinsale is assigned to an Antarctic base when she is embroiled in a murder case with its roots in the cold war - the narrative is plodding and all of the action scenes take place outside in atrocious weather so one cannot see who is doing what to whom.

Kate is as watchable as ever although the gratuitous shower scene was rather out of place.The unmasking of one of the villains at the end was a little shock but by then I had given up caring.Not so much a case of "whodunnit" more a case of "whybother".Tiresome.3/10

District 9

One of the most talked-about films of the year sees a gigantic alien spaceship hovering over Johannesburg and instead of invasion or other offensive behaviour the aliens are peaceful and are rewarded for their behaviour by being interned in the eponymous District 9 which is to all intents and purposes a concentration camp (and I mean this to be as developed by the British in the Boer War and not the better-known evil Nazi version).

It has been repeatedly remarked that this is an allegory of apartheid which is fairly self-evident.The story revolves around the authorities and their attempts to relocate the aliens (who are dismissively nicknamed "Prawns" owing to their piscine appearance) to the imaginatively-titled District 10.The first part of the film is shown documentary-style as the central government officer leads the raids to persuade the aliens to leave - a convenient plot device sees him slowly being transformed into one of them and he starts to understand their plight,especially when he discovers that the alien weaponry which is greedily coveted by various persons can only be operated by them.

The closing third or so of the film is more standard SF fare as our "hero" aided by a friendly alien battle mercenaries and Nigerian gangsters to escape - and the weaponry is very powerful indeed - some great special effects.The friendly alien manages to escape to his ship and fly it away leaving thousands of his kind on Earth with plenty of scope for a sequel.

Very good storyline which brings something fresh to the SF oeuvre.Excellent.8/10

Sorority Row

Centred around the eponymous sorority house this is a by-the-numbers horror film centering around six pretty college girls who decide to teach the local lothario a lesson,and when he starts to seduce one of them she fakes a "fatal" seizure whereupon he panics and calls for help.

Her chums rush in to show horror and sympathise,and assist him in putting the "corpse" into a pick-up to "dispose" of it.As he descends further into a hysterical torpor the girl "miraculously" comes back to life but he is so frightened he kills her again - only this time for real.The remaining girls then go into hysterics themselves and when they calm down they dispose of the body in a convenient well shaft and they all swear themselves to secrecy.

Lo and behold sometime later they all start to die in the usual inventive and bloody fashion.As the girls start to die all the usual red herrings surface - Carrie Fisher has a cameo as the shotgun-wielding house mother - a long way from Star Wars here.

I have seen worse, the usual game of guessing who will survive.......5/10

Surrogates

Bruce Willis' latest actioneer sees him in a world where most people stay at home while their "surrogate" goes out into the world and people live their lives through them.

A cosy arrangement as the surrogate is a more aesthetically- pleasing version of the real thing.There are some very basic flaws in the whole premise but this is an interesting interpretation of the whole avatar concept.

Bruce is an FBI agent who is suitably heroic in both his robot form and in real life when he ventures out into the outside world for the first time in eight years.There is a touching subplot between Bruce and his wife who is played by Rosamund Pike.

Plenty of special effects and this would not be a Bruce Willis film if he does not get battered and bruised on the way to his eventual triumph - and so it is the case here.This will do to pass the time until the next Die Hard film,if he decides to make one.He does like to make a variety of films but his most successful ones are those when he carries a gun or wears a badge and so it is the case here.

Perfectly enjoyable.6/10

The Soloist

A true story based on the recollections of a journalist from the LA Times (played by Robert Downey Jr) who wrote a series of articles about a homeless mentally-challenged street musician whom he finds playing a violin with two strings in the underpass one day (played by Jamie Foxx).

The film practically screams "award us all Oscars!! No seriously we all really want awards!!" at the viewer and it drips with heartfelt sincerity and warm-heartedness.A happy ending of sorts and it would appear rather far-fetched without the fact that all the characters actually exist (and are still there in Los Angeles now according to the closing credits).

No complaints about the acting here which is more than acceptable but did I enjoy it? Hmmmm.Have to say it passed the time without being something I could immediately recommend.4/10

Pandorum

Well Earth has once again been devasted and so thousands of survivors escape on a huge spaceship and set course for a distant planet,all going into voluntary suspended animation.Various crew members are programmed to wake up at staggered intervals.Some time later two crewmen awake to find the ship in semi-darkness and no sign of their previous crew shift.As they explore the ship they are attacked by feral creatures.

Yawn.No surprises to guess they are passengers and crew.At intervals they come across other unaffected survivors.They are chased by the creepy-crawlies.Zzzzzzz.There are a couple of mundane plot twists at the end and one moderately surprising revelation.

Not one for the pantheon of great science-fiction films by any means as the main characters are all rather unlikeable.An extra point for the ending.3/10

Fame

A remake of the original film and subsequent television series which I would suggest needs no real introduction as various young performers strut their stuff in their attempts at stardom.

And very good they are too with a cast of mainly unknowns dancing and singing their little hearts out.Only one of the aspiring students fail to make the grade and some of the setpieces are very well staged - never much of a fan of the originals but the talents displayed here are clear for all to see.

Undemanding fare which passes the time perfectly adequately.6/10

Up

Pixar's latest offering which has been praised to the skies as their latest wonderful film - I could not really agree I am afraid,certainly as well-produced as ever but there were some basic flaws in the story which I know is sometimes rather irrelevant in what is ostensibly a children's animation but their standards are so high then they must be taken into consideration.The opening sequence is heartbreaking and I suggest rather out of place in such a film although I can see arguments supporting the alternate view.

Irrespective of such matters this is certainly no Toy Story,Toy Story 2,Cars,Finding Nemo,The Incredibles or Monsters Inc all of which are much superior films.The standard opening short about clouds however is simply wonderful.Roll on next year's eagerly awaited Toy Story 3.It is not a bad film by any means but I cannot give it more than 4/10

Halloween II

Directed by the ludicrously-monikered Rob Zombie this is the sequel to his 2007 remake of John Carpenter's original masterpiece.

And it was undoubtedly a masterpiece,firmly ensconced in my Top Twenty films of all time,a chilling tour-de-force of suspense with little gore compared to modern films flawlessly directed by Carpenter and impeccably acted by Donald Pleasance and Jamie Lee Curtis.

This new version is by comparison a complete mess and with due deference to my lady readers I will not clarify some of the more gruesome parts.Gore for gore's sake.No suspense,no narrative to speak of,poor acting,and unfortunately an open ending for yet another
sequel.

No.Just go away and stop defiling the memory of a director infinitely more talented than you.One mark for the use of the original theme tune.Utter tripe.1/10

The Imaginarium Of Dr Parnassus

Much-heralded as the film Heath Ledger was making when he passed away before filming completed and how Colin Farrell,Johnny Depp, and Jude Law stepped into the breach to aid director Terry Gilliam in finishing it.

This is a treat for the eyes as there are some wonderful scenes in the imaginary worlds of the immortal eponymous character played very well by Christopher Plummer.Depp and Farrell were particularly impressive although I am afraid Law's talents elude me.He appears to me that he is good looks and not much else.

Lily Cole was better than I expected as the female lead but acting honours go to the gravel-voiced Tom Waits as the Devil - very good indeed.There are a couple of flashes of Monty Python in the visuals which hark back to Gilliam's roots - the dancing policemen especially are a classic surreal touch.Very original and visually stunning - Ledger himself is rather bland and is one of the less successful facets of the film.7/10

The Invention of Lying

Ricky Gervais' second major Hollywood film outing (excluding the Night At The Museum films) coming after the wonderful and innovative Ghost Town and just like that film this is of a very high standard indeed.

The premise is simple - in an alternate reality everyone tells the truth until Ricky tells the first lie.And that is it.I was never a particular fan of his television work but his two feature films are both little gems and whilst this film does have its share of laughs the screenplay is very clever indeed with subtle observations about life.

Gervais' deadpan style is ideally suited to this material and he is a sympathetic presence whom you will automatically find yourself empathising with.There is a happy ending which you will all know by now is de rigueur with romantic comedies as far as I am concerned.

Excellent performance from Ricky Gervais throughout and he was especially touching in the scene with his dying mother.Very good indeed.8/10

Triangle

A party of six friends go sailing.The weather deteriorates.Their yacht capsizes.Five survivors clamber onto the upturned keel.A fogbank rolls in.Out of the fog comes an ocean liner.On the deck is a hooded figure.They manage to board it.......Now how is that for a plot summary?

Anyway as the survivors walk around the liner they cannot find anyone and it appears completely deserted even though it appears clean and tidy.As they gather in the restaurant the hooded figure appears armed with a rifle and opens fire - they all scatter and all of them meet assorted sticky ends until the last female runs out on deck and looks over the side - to see their yacht below with them all on it.She watches them all board the liner (including herself).

So basically we have Groundhog Day with guns,gore and axes as the whole cycle endlessly repeats itself.Not giving too much away by revealing that the hooded figure is in fact her and she tries everything to break the chain - there is one brilliant scene when she trails one of the other female survivors who is mortally-wounded and she staggers on to the deck and collapses - there are at least thirty other corpses there all wearing her clothes,indicating that the events have occurred over and over again.

It is a wonderfully effective little scene.Unfortunately the film does not know how to finish and does peter out to a certain degree but I would still recommend it.Plenty of interesting ideas and it is such a real shame that there was not a stronger ending.Still warrants 7/10

Saw VI

The latest chapter in the ever-increasingly complicated and confusing franchise in which the only question to ask is "have you seen the first five films?" Because it is now practically impossible to follow the convoluted non-linear plotline and just settle back and "enjoy" the death traps,of which the first one in particular is sensationally gruesome in the extreme.

The identity of the principal "villains" is in doubt right to the end although when they are finally unmasked it was not a complete surprise.Each film costs about $10,000,000 to make and makes $50,000,000 at least so it will come as no surprise to hear that not only Saw VII is underway but that Saw VIII has been greenlit as well.

This is an extremely violent franchise but continues to be well-written and acted - the victims are less than shining examples of society to say the least and their eventual fate is nearly always deserved.This is by some considerable way the best horror franchise ever made and the standard shows no sign of flagging.

When compared to the above-discussed remake of Halloween II it is easily seen that there is no comparison whatsoever as they are as alike as chalk and cheese.As sadistic and unpleasant as ever,not for the faint-hearted at all.Wonderful.8/10

Cirque Du Freak - the Vampire's Assistant

Based on a series of books by Darren Shan we have a film in which two American teenagers with a taste for the macabre find themselves attending a performance at the titular show where one of them becomes a kind of protégé to John C Reilly who plays the eponymous vampire and becomes a "half-vampire" (don't ask) and goes to live at the circus folk's campsite.

This is an adaption of the first three books in the series.One of the attractions is the wide range of freaks portrayed - the man with no stomach,the lizard-boy,the bearded lady (whose beard comes and goes and is played by the stunning Salma Hayek who would need more than a beard to affect her appearance) etc etc.Our hero is befriended by a pretty young girl whose deformity is that she has a tail.Merely makes her cuter.

I have to confess I did enjoy this,there was enough character development and back-story to immerse oneself in and Reilly (so excellent in the recent Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story makes an engaging adult hero.Depending on the success of the film there may be sequels.Enough here to warrant a 7/10

Couples Retreat

Now this film has been generally panned by critics and I am at a loss to see why.It is in fact a perfectly acceptable romantic comedy in which four couples with real or imagined marital problems go to this beautiful holiday resort which combines sun,sea,sand and marriage counsellors.

Only one of the couples have real concerns and the others go just for fun,but they all find out truths about their relationships along the way.Not a comedic masterpiece by any means but it has its fair share of funny moments and everything falls neatly into place by the end.5/10

This Is It

Everyone will know by now that this is not a film per se but a collection of rehearsals for Michael Jackson's projected residence at the O2 arena which never came to fruition as he passed away before he could perform - I have to say I was very impressed with this film,not being a massive fan of his but obviously appreciative of some of his songs - I do consider "Black And White" to be in particular a musical masterpiece.

This was a fascinating insight into his world and he certainly looked well, dancing and singing perfectly competently - he was backed by a brilliant backing band, the lady lead guitarist being simply sensational.All of the big hits were run through and it is a shame that the concerts never came to pass as they would have been simply sensational - you had a glimpse of the special effects,special stages and so on and so forth.

All of the dancers loved him,being in awe of his talent and he did reciprocate.He certainly showed himself to being completely in charge of all proceedings,being quite clear about his requirements and expectations.Very impressive,a sad loss indeed.7/10

Jennifer's Body

A horror story starring Megan Fox as the eponymous cheerleader who is possessed by a demon following the failure of a rock band to sacrifice her virgin soul to the devil.OK? Only she wasn't a virgin.Yawn.Preposterous plot and narrative in which Miss Fox once again displays her minimal acting talents - Amanda Seyfried (of Mamma Mia! fame) appears as her best friend who tries to save her from herself and plays her role as "dowdy" - in other words she wears spectacles and has her hair in an unflattering style.

There are no thrills,no suspense,no point.I saw the ending coming from a mile off and did a little preening when I was proved to be correct.Perfunctory at best,have seen it all before am afraid.3/10

The Fourth Kind

Much is made of the mixture of "fact" and "fiction" in this story of "alien abductions" and the sceptical local police force - actress Milla Jovovich stars as the psychiatrist at the centre of all the unusual behaviour,which was emphasised by her comments straight to camera in the trailer.

The film also features the actual lady who she plays in the film.Are you all paying close attention at the back? Good.Well obviously it is all completely preposterous rubbish with lots of earnest over-acting and plenty of scenes of mysterious owls which may or not be connected.By far the best sequence is played over the closing credits in which genuine calls reference alien sightings from members of the public are played.

These are enough to award the film its only marks so the conclusion is 2/10

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Well I have seen some rubbish in my time but this really takes the biscuit - a stellar cast completely wastes their talents on a ludicrous plot and a plodding storyline.Based on a "true story" Ewan McGregor plays an American journalist who happens across George Clooney,a former US soldier who belonged to a covert unit known as the "Jedis" who possessed "special powers" prompting Ewan to ask "what is a Jedi?" - oh how I did not dissolve into hysterical laughter.

Apparently the real-life author of the book on which the film is based is British,not American - so why the American accent affected by McGregor? Later on he wears a tartan tie! Please.Kevin Spacey should sack his agent for involving him in such dross.

Don't get me started on the egregious last ten seconds.He is doubtless a credit to his profession,certainly very handsome and by all accounts a very nice man but I have still never seen a decent George Clooney film.A masterclass in how to construct a tepid,boring,feeble, uninvolving,woeful film utterly lacking in humour or dramatic tension without a single thing which could be said in its favour whatsoever.

Simply one of the worst films that I have ever seen.Complete tripe.0/10

A Christmas Carol

Jim Carrey takes on eight different roles (principally as Scrooge) in this latest version of Charles Dickens' timeless classic,although I do not remember all the chase sequences being in the original novel.Perhaps my memory is playing tricks on me.

Mr Carrey polarises opinion like few other actors today with some people preferring his earlier manic films whilst in the other camp are those who lean to his more cerebral and serious roles.I mentioned in an earlier set of reviews that I do incline towards the former and whilst his performance is good in this he is practically unrecognisable as himself until the last few scenes when Scrooge becomes a more sympathetic character when his more familiar persona does come through.

A definite highlight is when he channels the spirit (if you will excuse the expression) of the great Brian Blessed as one of the ghosts.The storyline is so strong I would suggest it would take a very incompetent director to make a poor version of such a well-loved book.6/10

Harry Brown

Sir Michael Caine stars in the eponymous role as a pensioner living on a London housing estate which is in utter thrall to the local vicious thugs - as the film opens his beloved wife passes away in hospital which leaves him devasted,and he can only find solace in his regular games of chess at the local pub with his best friend who soon after is butchered by some of the local scum.

He speaks to the police in the rather unlikely form of Inspector Emily Mortimer who apparently seem powerless to help. Sounds familiar? This is a British version of Clint Eastwood's wonderful Gran Torino which was so mesmerising recently but I am going to say that this is even better.

Fortunately (or unfortunately for the local lowlifes) Sir Michael is a former Royal Marine who has lost none of his skills and in true Charles Bronson fashion sets out to "clean up the neighbourhood".Comparisons with the brilliant Death Wish have been heavily alluded to not least by Sir Michael himself in interviews in which he says that whilst "Charlie Bronson" was the perpetrator his character of Harry Brown is just as much a victim as those to whom he metes out justice.

Only that is not the case for as soon as he acquires some weaponry off he goes to kill all the villains he can find.There is a final showdown in his local pub with a twist which I will not give away.This is to a certain extent film-making by numbers with good and evil clearly delineated but is none the poorer for it.The decent people are decent and the villains are loathsome in the extreme and deserve all they reap from Michael's vengeance.

A journey through the dark underbelly of the capital - memo to self - don't live on a London housing estate.A towering performance worthy of comparison to some of his finest roles.10/10

2012

So here is the long-awaited new film from Roland Emmerich depicting the imminent end of the world.The story is perfunctory but the special effects are wonderful and let us face it these sort of films are principally all about the CGI - the hero is John Cusack who has more lives than a cat as he goes from one death-defying situation to another as he navigates crashing skyscrapers,volcanoes,enormous canyons and....well you get the idea.

The certificate for this film said "contains moderate threat" Billions of people die! A stellar cast is ably led by Danny Glover as the US President and Thandie Newton as his daughter but acting honours go to Oliver Platt as the White House official trying valiantly to hold it all the remnants of government together.Far-fetched in more ways than one but this is a feast for the eyes first and foremost - the tiny scene involving HM The Queen is frankly ludicrous and insulting though.

Depressing in some ways but exhilarating in others.6/10

Law Abiding Citizen

Gerard Butler stars as an everyday husband who has a perfect wife and a ridiculously cute and pretty little daughter whose domestic tranquillity is shattered when two men force entry into his house,batter him almost senseless and murder and rape his family in a fairly graphic scene.Ugh.

Naturally he recovers and soon he finds himself in court where the two villains are being prosecuted by hotshot lawyer Jamie Foxx.A little bit of plea-bargaining later and one is sent to Death Row after the other turns state's evidence.Gerard is not happy and is left bemused at what he sees as a miscarriage of justice.Fast forward to the execution of the condemned man who is due to die by lethal injection,only for the painless procedure to completely go awry and the man dies in screaming agony.

The other killer is then kidnapped by what ostensibly appears to be a patrolman and taken to a remote location where the officer turns out to be Gerard,and he utilises a power saw to dismember the man into 25 pieces.As you do.So we have a standard revenge thriller and soon afterwards Gerard is arrested and sent to prison.Shortly afterwards,whilst he is in prison,every person connected to the original case start to die in various grisly and mysterious ways - but Gerard is in custody.......

Now in all revenge thrillers the audience must be clearly on the side of the protagonist to elicit our sympathy and the story must be in black and white - dogged and resourceful hero and lots of despicable bad guys for him to dispose of,examples ranging from the sublime Death Wish with Charles Bronson to the more recent Taken with Liam Neeson.But we don't have that here.Gerard (for he is blatantly the killer) blazes a path of retribution through research assistants,judges,lawyers etc as well as butchering his cellmate in a welter of blood.

But these people are just doing their job and his sadism is obviously misplaced.There is a ridiculous explanation to how he commits all these crimes from solitary confinement and a fairly daft denouement.

Now let us be quite clear on this - Gerard is meant to be the sympathetic character here but surely his crusade should have ceased after he killed the two villains - why on earth he decides that a lady research assistant deserves his wrath is both unclear and illogical.These people are innocent rendering the whole narrative completely lacking in credulity.A missed opportunity and Mr Butler is still to repeat his success in 300. 2/10

Paranormal Activity

It's here! The scariest movie ever! It has frightened Americans all over the country! Hysteria in theatres!

Give me strength.Completely shot via hand-held cameras (a ploy which is really old hat now) it centres on a young couple terrorised by an invisible demon and is "based" on a true story - so much so that the actors use their real names! Sigh.

The young lady is the apparent target of the demon and accepting the basic premise that she is genuinely terrified by the unnatural force her boyfriend is rather unsympathetic to say the least,more concerned with playing with his array of cameras and laptops.About as scary as Mary Poppins and as entertaining as watching paint dry.

During one of the "terrifying sequences" (yawn) a lady walked into the cinema with two little children - I had to point out to her she was in the wrong screen! Easily the highlight of my day.The last thirty seconds were clearly the best and brought the rating up to 1/10

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